PARIS, FRANCE - JULY 04: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West attend the Valentino Haute-Couture show as part of Paris Fashion Week Fall / Winter 2012/13 at Hotel Salomon de Rothschild on July 4, 2012 in Paris, France. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)
… But that doesn’t mean I’m super excited to hang out with her or anything. To be honest, I don’t think Beyonce is excited about that either. But what’s a gal to do when her husband’s friend Kanye is running around town with the current queen of reality programming a.k.a. Ryan Seacrest’s cash cow?
Anyway, I was in Sephora buying products that promised to make me a fair beyond compare (spoiler alert! they didn’t!) when I spotted Beyonce and Kim hanging out in the hair mascara section.
Kim appeared to be talking and talking whilst patting her hair. This is sort of how what I think she might have been saying: “this one is, like, super cute? but that one is the cutest. Kanye told me he thinks it’s the cutest. He told me that when he delivered a bunch of couture outfits to my hotel room. I was like ‘CUTE’. It’s like we’re meant to be together. I love getting couture delivered to my hotel room and he knows how to ask his assistant to deliver couture to a hotel room. My assistant mainly knows how to pat my hair and help me apply my eyelash extensions. Oh, look at this one, it’s super cute. Let’s instagram it together! We’ll totally be on E! if we do.’”
Anyway, so in the midst of this soliloquy, Beyonce noticed me in the Stila aisle and rolled her eyes so hard I feared she’d be maimed for life. I thought her eyeballs might get stuck. I thought her eyelids might get overstretched. I was concerned for her health and safety.
From this little exchange I worry Beyonce is being forced to spend girl time with Kim Kardashian against her will. Maybe Jay-Z thinks that because he and Kanye are friends, Kim and Beyonce should be friends? I’m here to tell him that sort of logic doesn’t always apply.
Anyway, after the Sephora incident I rushed back to tell my non-celebrity friend Sonya about what had taken place and it turned out she had taken a vacation day without informing me first. So, in the end it was a day full of intrigue and disappointment.
This is terrble, so brace yourselves.
Yesterday evening my dog decided he had to pee long after his usual, designated “last pee” time. Since I was in my PJs already, I just grabbed a scruffy pair of corduroys from the floor of my closet. A.K.A. my “comfy fat pants”.
So there I was, walking my dog, and who did I run into?!!! The ex who dumped me - Christian Slater. Yes, he’s the super lame star of failed TV shows now, but once upon a time he was in Heathers and Pump Up the Volume and I loved him and kept every issue of YM magazine that featured him on the cover.
I met him at a restaurant/lounge in my hotel lobby about 10 years ago and … due to my YM addiction … ended up dating him for about a month. I found out I was dumped via the tabloids. It was all quite traumatic.
So there I was, in my fat pants, my CORDUROY fat pants and there he was. I did not look my best.
This is what he did:
1. Raised eyebrow
3. Started holding some young girl’s hand
This is what I did:
1. Made a noise like this: “uhhgesoiuersvkdhdffsrrrgg”
2. Looked away
3. Pretended I didn’t know who he was
So yesterday I was shamed by bad pants and a washed up teen idol. AWESOME. At least tomorrow is Friday.
Pump Up the Volume (film) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
HOLLYWOOD, CA - JUNE 20: Actors Jeff Daniels and Emily Mortimer arrive at HBO’s New Series ‘Newsroom’ Los Angeles Premiere at ArcLight Cinemas Cinerama Dome on June 20, 2012 in Hollywood, California. (Image credit: Getty Images via @daylife)
Yesterday was Tuesday - a.k.a. my Most Boring Day. It’s so far away - from either side - from a weekend. It’s not even hump day. It’s just Tuesday.
Feeling blech about the day-of-the-week situation, I decided to head out for a quick drink. Guess who I ran into? Jeff Daniels! Now Jeff is someone that’s only been on my radar marginally. Remember The Butcher’s Wife with Demi Moore and Jeff? Yep. Me too, which is why I’ve never paid him much attention.
But The Newsroom has changed all that. Although the squawking and screeching of Emily Mortimer makes my dog whimper and sends my cat to the litter box and I don’t know why Alison Pill has to act every scene out with her hands up around her shoulders as though she has no elbows, I truly love the show. (Really though, what is up with her hands around her neck and shoulders? Is this method acting for ‘busy lady’?)
The reason the show is awesome is:
1. Jeff Daniels
2. Sam Waterston wears a bowtie and swears! (Fun fact: did you know Sam appeared in the 1973 version of The Great Gatsby with Robert Redford? He did. Guess what looks terrible? Leo DiCaprio’s Great Gatsby. I can say that because I never hang out with Leo anyway. He’s a puffy pain.)
3. Jeff Daniels
4. Jeff Daniels
5. Olivia Munn & Jeff Daniels
Anyway, so last night when I ran into Jeff I did a bit of fawning, which I usually try to avoid. He seemed to respond well and by the end of the night we were just having a casual, good time. It was kind of like when I hang with George and Brad, but a bit less rowdy. (And nobody texted Jeff at any point in the evening to say things like: “Jen on cover of Us Mag. Please meet me at door of grocery store tomorrow with 2 - 3 of the children for exposure shot.”
Jeff also finds Emily a little squawky, but is quite a gentleman so didn’t really get too snarky about her. (We’ll have to work on that.) I suspect, from his body language, that like me he also suspects Alison has an elbow condition that results in her hands flapping up around her shoulders and neck.
67220009 (Photo credit: accidentalpaparazzi)
So apparently the whole world found out about Jen’s engagement before she bothered to pick up the phone and let me know. Colour me miffed.
I think it’s her passive aggressive way of getting back at me for hanging out with Brad so much. You think she’d get over it, seeing as I NEVER hang out with her “arch enemy” Angie.
Oh, let me let you in on a little secret: Jen isn’t bothered by Angie. That’s right, there’s no feud. Last time I hit the beach in Malibu with Jen she told me “How could I be jealous of someone who dedicates so little time to perfecting her tan?”.
She’s still totally annoyed by Brad though, which I guess is the reason she gets irritated with me for meeting him for after-work drinks on Thursday nights. He usually jets in around 4pm and has tucked into a couple by the time I manage to slip away and meet him at 6pm. Fun fact: Angie texts him an average of 20 times each Thursday night, usually it’s a poor excuse for keeping tabs. Here’s an example:
"Shiloh needs a haircut, remember to remind me to tell the nanny."
I guess that can’t wait until he gets home?
So….where was I? Oh right, Jen. Anyway, she’s engaged, we’re all very happy for her - YAY. I actually don’t know Justin whatsoever but he seems equally as into designer jeans as she is so they should be great.
(Johnny at the Pink Taco thing. Picture: Splash News)
After my weekend getwaway with George and Brad, I’ve been maintaining a bit of a low profile. We had a lot of wine, so my liver needs drying out, plus the tabloids are all over me like a bad stink, accusing me of making
Fun Police Angelina cranky because I encouraged Brad to “behave foolishly” for a few days. (So, what can I say? Sometimes the jerks get it right.)
Anyway, yesterday I got a bit stir crazy so I jetted out to L.A. to spend the night just hanging at the Chateau Marmont, because nothing cures the bored blues like some excellent people watching.
So who did I see while I was in town? My former heartthrob Johnny Depp. Now, there was a time when I would have fallen at this guy’s feet. But those days are done. Dear Johnny, here are the reasons I don’t love you any more:
1. There are only so many accessories one man needs/can pull off. You’ve hit the max and tumbled way overboard.
2. I used to think you were unique and mysterious and above all this Hollywood nonsense, which I enjoy, but still recognize as nonesense. Then, I have to find out from Lainey Gossip that you went to some lame after party at PINK TACO!!??? That’s not unique and mysterious, that’s just Loser Town and seems like something one of the kids from Glee would be into. Shudder.
3. Falling for your co-stars is just such a pedestrian, predictable thing to do. Rumour has it Amber Heard has already dumped you too.
4. Pirates of the Caribbean 5
5. “Johnny Depp is ready to rock. The recently single actor took to the stage with Aerosmith Monday night to shred the guitar with Steven Tyler, Joe Perry and the rest of the legendary crew.” - Huffington Post - Johnny, you know Tyler was an American Idol judge, right? AMERICAN IDOL.
In closing, I enjoyed my time in L.A., but I’m nursing a broken heart. It’s hard when you realize one you’ve loved for so long is just sort of … meh.
Sorry I went dark all weekend. I was busy enjoying my favourite summer long weekend. It carries none of the pressure of the July extravaganza or the mourning of a summer’s end that I often associate with Labour Day weekend. So, for this low-fi long weekend, I finally managed to convince George to ditch Lake Como and what’s-her-face (I don’t bother to learn their names anymore) and talked Angelina into giving Brad a weekend escape pass.
We hit the South Shore of Nova Scotia - nobody bugs the guys there - they’re all too busy buying two-for-one pairs of crocs at the dollar store, taking carriage rides, engaging in domestics about their B&B on the street and eating lobster rolls. (As a lobster roll purist, let me just say - if it does not come on a split hot dog bun, it’s not a lobster roll. It’s a lobster sandwich. And it’s stupid.)
Check out the photo of Brad (after a few Dark and Stormies) posing with this pizza thing on the main drag in Lunenburg.
I’m also including a snap George took of me with our fancy beach umbrella, which George charmed the dollar store clerk into giving us at a discount. Of course, it was foggy at the beach so we didn’t really need it anyway, but Brad is paranoid about UVs giving him extra eye wrinkles so we indulged him. (He spent most of the day hiding under the umbrella, but did go wading with my dog.)
The guys flew back to their respective places on Monday afternoon and I’m kind of bummed they’re gone. I enjoy their company even if Brad is a bit of a princess.
I really needed a break from the whole Sparkle Vampire scandal. I just don’t want to listen to either Kristen or Rob talk about it anymore. Sigh … back to the real world today though. Kristen has already texted me 10 times!!! It was so nice not getting a cell signal in Lunenburg. Angie couldn’t reach Brad either, which was delicious, ‘cause normally she’s all “Maddox wants you to bring him back a pony”, “I hope you’re not being too lighthearted, there are children starving all over the world”, “Jen is on the tabloid covers again, please plan toy store outing for us so we can get snapped” via text all day long when we’re hanging out.
And we agree it’s best “shirt off”. I really like Matthew. He’s sort of, like “nerd hot”. He’s not the coolest person to call up and meet for tacos or anything but he’s still pretty fun. Also, when he doesn’t wear his shirt it makes me happy. I’m not normally so shallow, but, mostly I hang around with Brad and George all the time and while they’re “good in the face”, the rest of them is just a bit mediocre. Great guys, great conversations, but George could use some sit-ups and Brad should eat several Happy Meals next time he hits McD’s with the kids. Lean is fine but see above as to why a little bit more is sometimes … just … more.
Anyway, Matthew’s always going on about whether or not I think he should wear a shirt more often, wants to be known for his “acting talents and wicked southern accent” and so on and so forth. I actually don’t really know the specifics of what he was talking about though, because I was sort of staring. I’m in the “shirt off” camp … and you?
Sure, it’s a tough time for Kristen, so I’m glad she and I can find reasons to laugh now and then. We both are getting a big kick out of this U-Haul picture that’s rolling around the Internet. A U-haul? Do the Twi-minions truly believe that someone with cold, hard vampire cash would drive a very obvious, very uggo U-haul truck up to her home to ANNOUNCE TO THE WORLD her boyfriend has kicked her to the curb? I think not. Some people say the U-Haul was a plant by a photog searching for a dream shot. Makes sense to me. Until Balenciaga starts making U-Hauls … I can’t see Kristen using one.
This whole mess is beginning to make me weary. All I really want to do is meet Brad and the other boys for a drink at the end of the day … but I’m emotional breakdown-watch-duty. Tis exhausting.
Sometimes Mila and I meet for brunch, do a little shopping, make fun of Natalie Portman’s complete inability to crack a joke and you know … generally hang out. Ever since Ashton showed up my brunch plans have been TOTALLY RUINED. Now all she wants to do is stare at the super expensive iPhone case he gave her or whatever it is and talk in whispered tones about how nuts his ex-wife is. I’m wondering how long this whole thing is going to last. My hope it “not very”.
So right after Rob asked if he could come hang out, I got a call from Kristen! Awkward, a bit, but COME ON, of course I’m gonna tell her to come on over. Listen - of the two of them who do you think is going to have the juiciest story? Think about it. Exaaaaaactly. Anyway, she’s definitely not going to go running to former BFF Charlize now is she? Lady McJudgey Pants would give her “sour face” and spend a lot of time scolding. Me? Meh, she’s 22 did we really think this Rob romance was forever and ever?